Movie Review - Batman & Robin

Directed by: Joel Schumacher

·         Batman - George Clooney

·         Mr. Freeze - Arnold Schwarzenegger

·         Robin - Chris O’Donnell

·         Poison Ivy - Uma Thurman

·         Batgirl - Alicia Silverstone

Batman & Robin will go down in many childhood hearts as an all time classic. And I guess it was, it was Batman after all. The movie isn't actually that bad for kids. Bold colours and big flashy action scenes. But it’s only when you watch it again after you’re all grown up that you realize how fucked this movie was.

Firstly, the characters. Batman and Robin have so many issues. Always bitching on each other, and preaching moral issues. Like there’s a moral to the story. Yeah like some kid’s gonna care to learn something at the end of a batman movie.

Probably one of the worst roles I’ve ever seen Arnold Schwarzenegger in. Not only does the acting seem lazy as fuck, but the guy who wrote the lines for Mr. Freeze is definately just fucking around. I’ve made a list of 5 quotes I thought were the worst, just so you could see what I mean:

- "I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."

- "Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom."

- "No. I always go a size smaller. Makes me look slimmer."

- "Let's kick some ice!"

- "Ice to see you!"

And it's not just Freeze's lines that are bad. The whole damn movie is almost entirely comprised of the most overused clichés. You kind of feel relieved as shit whenever there’s a hint of a normal fucking conversation. It's exhausting to watch. What ass crust.

Another cheesy part of this movie would be the all-time famous batman credit card. Yeah. Valid till forever. Firstly, what bank would give Batman a fucking credit card. I mean come on, no fixed residence, no name, not even a real fucking job. That just really kicked the little bit of reality this movie had in the ass.

The costumes are fucking overkill. Why the overdone muscles? Why the nipples? They must have some kind of complex to put fake muscles on the costumes. I think if there was anything R rated about this movie, it would be those fucking costumes.

And 1 thing that bothers me most about this movie is the rediculous physics. If it doesn't bother you, don't mind me. But fuck, when Mr. Freeze swings on that vine, it looks like he's got a jet shooting out his asshole. And why the fuck is batman kicking Mr. Freeze’s ass? Isn't he wearing metal armour? Why are batman’s punches so effective on this guy? These things just baffle me.

Something that's maybe a little harder to notice, is some of the cheesy sound effects. Like when Bane catches the chains of those 4 gangsters on his arms and launches them. WTF was that sound. It's like this movie can't make up its mind. Is it a dark batman story, or a funny cartoon? Eats me. 

And the ending, how easily do all the villains get defeated. Mr. Freeze just gets knocked down, he's out. Poison Ivy gets kicked into a giant flower, she's out. And all they do to defeat Bane is kick one of the pipes coming out his head and he's fucked. Like instantly, he shrinks down to size. Useless. These have got to be the weakest villains banded together that I have ever seen.

In conclusion, I would only really want to watch this movie if I was dying to erase a more horrifying experience from my childhood. But shit, forget my childhood, this has pretty much ruined my adulthood. I could’ve gone on for a while ranting about this movie, but then I might as well make a shitty movie of my own. What do you think of Batman and Robin?

Telemarketers - Bleh

Telemarketers: what a shit load of fuck. For those of you who don't know what they are, I'll tell you.
Telemarketers are assholes who phone you at random times of the day and attempt to convince you to buy their crap or to take up some gym contract you never gonna use.

Firstly, how do they get your damn number. Second, why the shit do they think you would possibly want what they have to offer unless you go out and look for it. Fuck.

Now for starters, your phone rings, oblivious to the fact that it couldn't possibly be another telemarketer, you answer. And the moment you hear a random voice on the other end ask if you're John Doe or whatever, you fucking know you're gonna be on the line for the next 10 minutes while they make their pitch, and you're thinking of different excuses as to why you don't want their shit.

What really pisses me off about them is their piss poor ability to accept no as an answer. It's like they really think you're saying no for the fun of it. You tell them no, and then just carry on going on like I was interrupting or some shit. After saying no twice, they tell you to think about it and they will call back later. WTF. I've already thought about it, that's why I said NO!

And yes they do call back. They ALWAYS call back. If you don't answer your phone, they just keep calling and calling until you do. The 1 time I had 19 missed calls from them. What butt crud.
What do you guys think? Are telemarketers as ass as I make them out to be? Or is it just me?

Give me some space, let me pay for my shit!

I've come to notice something small that gets me into a fast and extreme rage.
I’m a guy who likes his space, I’m not talking 10 feet of space, I’m not unreasonable, but at least a couple of inches will do!!! Now you go into the supermarket to buy a couple of things after a long day or quickly during your lunch break. You grab the stuff you want and approach the till. The tiller will
start ringing your stuff through and someone waits behind you. But they don’t just wait, they already packing all their shit on the counter! Yeah okay sometimes they don’t have a basket and don’t want to carry loose shit for long, but they don’t just put their shit down, they hover over it like they’re about
to take a piss on it or something. Now they’re pretty much licking the back of your neck. What fuckness. You just can’t help but squeeze your wallet tighter or maybe even clench your damn butt cheeks. You just never fucking know. A part of you just wants to shout out, "Give me some space, let me just pay for my shit!". But I’m just curious, is it just me, or does this happen to everyone?!

Welcome to the blog of Daniel The Critic!

Hey to all my future readers, I am Daniel The Critic. My sole purpose in life is to bitch about the more irritating things that annoy the cow outta me. For all of you future readers out there, thank you. And to all those who find ME annoying, then don’t read! Either way, I will continue to complain about every little thing that tears me up inside and releases my inner rage. Feel free to let me know if there is anything on your mind, and I will be sure to write about it!