Radio Adverts Bring Suckage!

There are many things that irritate me: Telemarketers, BMW drivers that ride on your ass and flash their lights (douche-bags), people who don't know what they're doing when they're at an ATM, Justin Bieber fans (if there are any left), blog bashers... the list goes on and on. But one thing that really has gotten on my nerves a lot lately has been radio advertising.

I would spend most of my days listen to the radio as I work, normally to block out the bullshit. Now when one of these adverts come on, I really just want to turn the radio off and listen to office politics. If I hear one of these adverts, I do NOT want to buy what they're selling. Hell no. If they make crappy ads like that they might as well close down their business. And what kinda crap do you wonder? I'll tell you:

Firstly, when they put on a scene with a father and his daughter, or a mother and his son. It sounds like robots having a conversation. Not only do the voices sound perfect and rehearsed, but the people use facts and percentages normal people would not regurgitate. Example:
"Hey mom, did you know that I could as little as a 20% interest rate on any personal loan up to 100 000 before the 1st April?"
Egh, bleh. Yuk. Sounds like a consultant to me. What human being speaks like that, seriously.

Secondly, all the bullshit they say right at the end of their adverts. Banks and casinos are the worst. They say about 2 paragraphs of bullshit you never really listen to as fast as they can. It makes the advert sound slapped together and pukifying. You hear "Terms and Conditions apply" and all kinds of other bullshit to cover their asses.

So here are some tips to those who construct these flop ads.
TIP 1: Use normal people language! Nobody speaks like that in real life so don't make an ad that sounds like the script was generated on a computer!
TIP 2: Either dumb down and slow down the shit at the end of the ad, or leave it out! It leaves a bad aftertaste in the mouth of listeners.
TIP 3: Make it exciting. We gonna be listening to your stupid advert over and over, so at least make it sound good. Use voices that don't sound irritating on the radio, a joke that doesn't get old after the first time, not too damn long, and no "subject to availability" or "terms and conditions apply". You are driving us away man.

So what are your thoughts on radio adverts? Feel free to comment. And fuck you to the blog bashers.

Xbox 360 vs PS3. Which is better?

I would like to resolve this stupid argument. It's really like comparing oranges and apples. But say you had the money for one or the other, and you had to choose. Which one would you go for? I've heard great arguments and some really pathetic ones. I really want some straight up legit answers this time. No riff raff.
Your comments please! I am willing to respond to all your comments with comments! Let's battle this out!

Referees in England are SHIT!

This may be a topic a lot of people fob off as not important, but over the past few seasons the quality of referees, in England especially, have declined rather rapidly.

Now pardon my anger, but this topic has given me sleepless nights and I've developed a firm hatred for the Football Association.
Bare with me, I'm not just talking out of my ass here: The 2011/2012 season has been flooded with outcries about a certain ref: Chris Foy.

If you don't know what I'm talking about watch the following games:

QPR vs Chelsea - 23 Oct 2011
Tottenham vs Stoke - 11 Dec 2011
Man U vs Man City - 8 Jan 2012



Those are just 3 that come to mind. Chris Foy is, putting it mildly, a piece of shit poor excuse of a ref. Yet he still manages to ref crucial games week after week. And this douche bag isn't the only ref. I don't think there's been a single ref who has had a clean record of games this season. And it makes me think, these refs are not being held accountable for their cock ups. With so much money involved in the EPL, standards need to be world class at all times, after all it is a world class football league. It makes you ask yourself, who on earth is running the show? Who is in charge of these clowns?

I'll tell you: The Professional Game Match Officials Ltd (PGMO). These guys are in control of selecting referees for games in advance. And who is running PGMO? Mike Riley. Well I believe that since the arrival of Mike Riley as General Manager of PGMO, the shit has pretty much hit the fan. His predecessor, Mr. Keith Hackett had a policy of keep high standards: he wouldn't allow refs to ref every week if match performances were not up to standard.

This is the man to hate: Mike Riley ------>

Look at what he's wearing. Yes he was once a ref. And a shit one at that. His final season as a ref was very controversial. Just about every match he refereed kept supporters dreading and swearing. You wouldn't know how he was going to cock up next. And then what? He is made the chief of PGMO the next year! If that isn't corruption bullshit then I don't know what is.

Now I speak from a neutral perspective, but for such a "highly prestigious" league, this has got to be one of the worst selection of referees I've seen in any sport at any stage. In all sport not just football, the referee needs to be in full control to ensure a clean unbiased game. This is definitely not the case. Referees need to be held accountable: Suspension, a lifetime ban in all forms of the game, fining them a year's pay. These things need to start happening to football refs and they have been in other sports and has kept a high standard in those sports. The FA has blatantly punishes any players or managers who speak out about referees, which is telling them: "You have no say, and we will do whatever the fuck we want. So shut up and pretend everything is fine. Thank you."
Mike Riley as General Manager says things like the standards are improving every season, and that 99% of assistant referees decisions are correct. That's a laugh, since the stats alone prove otherwise. The FA thinks the general population are idiots and that as an organization can do what ever they want. They don't realize that a league like the English Premier League will inevitably lose its high esteem thanks to these things.

I think this is a time where the fans need to step up and take action. Because we all want a clean, competitive league where we can support our team without feeling screwed every week. The FA needs to be brought to its knees, because as rich and powerful as the organization is, it is nothing without the fans to keep it going.
So speak up! Show these bastards!

Driving can be Hell

For those of you who spend time commuting on the roads often enough, you realize there are some people out there that either shouldn't be on the roads or annoy you just enough that it's barely legal.

As you can tell, I go into raging shits for just about anything, so I'll just tell you some of the highlights.

• So you slow down because you know there's a possible speed camera coming up, so you stick to just just on the speed limit. But the guy behind you is riding up your ass and fucking hooting and going ape shit! Damn it to hell, why should I go faster and get booked just to satisfy some tool's stupid lust for unnecessary pace.
• Similar to the above point - fuck faces that ride right on your ass for no reason. 0.00001 inches from your back bumper. You tend to have the urge to brake suddenly and see what happens. Jeremy Clarkson calls these kinds of people cocks - I tend to agree.
• Fourway stops - fuck my life. People just go, you know its your turn, but you're watching them drive off with some satisfaction like they think they are all perfect. Fuck them. And they don't even look your way so you can express your sign language. Fuckers. Hate them. But the worst is when they just don't go. They wait for somebody else to go. Fuck that shit, just GOOOO!

• Two things about traffic lights and drivers just shit me up the ass.     

1. When they take too long to fucking take off when it goes green. And I mean like you wait a whole 10 seconds for them to wake the fuck up. If they aren't paying attention to the fucking lights, they should get off the road spare me the pain.
2. When you're in front and you just see the light go green. And pretty much right away you get hooted at! Like 0.0000003 seconds of waiting and BAM, hooter. It seems like they're mostly cunts in suits. We need a balance here. What happened to the sanity of this world?!

• I fucken hate trucks, buses, or anything big, bulky and useless that moves like a wet sack on a tiny road. Say no more about that.
• And how about those fuckers that have this intense urge to walk their slow ass across the road without looking for any fucking cars. On a busy road. And then when they see you, they STOP!!! In the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD!! It's a surprise the human race has not been faced with extinction!
• The biggest fuel for my pissy mood is construction. They spend 10 000 years trying to fix 1 fucking piece of road, and block all the lanes except for 1. Even when there's clearly nothing happening. Nobody digging, nobody grinding, nobody even sitting there doing nothing. And the worst part is, they toll the roads in order to pay for the million years of labour fixing it!

This kind of behavior is bad krap horrible a dribbling pile of goat poo shit! This would be one of the reasons I would find a deserted island and live away from this heap of horrid hurl. I'd rather lick the sharp edge of a steak knife until my hunger was satisfied than deal with this crap! What are your opinions on this?

Movie Review - Batman & Robin

Directed by: Joel Schumacher

·         Batman - George Clooney

·         Mr. Freeze - Arnold Schwarzenegger

·         Robin - Chris O’Donnell

·         Poison Ivy - Uma Thurman

·         Batgirl - Alicia Silverstone

Batman & Robin will go down in many childhood hearts as an all time classic. And I guess it was, it was Batman after all. The movie isn't actually that bad for kids. Bold colours and big flashy action scenes. But it’s only when you watch it again after you’re all grown up that you realize how fucked this movie was.

Firstly, the characters. Batman and Robin have so many issues. Always bitching on each other, and preaching moral issues. Like there’s a moral to the story. Yeah like some kid’s gonna care to learn something at the end of a batman movie.

Probably one of the worst roles I’ve ever seen Arnold Schwarzenegger in. Not only does the acting seem lazy as fuck, but the guy who wrote the lines for Mr. Freeze is definately just fucking around. I’ve made a list of 5 quotes I thought were the worst, just so you could see what I mean:

- "I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."

- "Allow me to break the ice. My name is Freeze. Learn it well. For it's the chilling sound of your doom."

- "No. I always go a size smaller. Makes me look slimmer."

- "Let's kick some ice!"

- "Ice to see you!"

And it's not just Freeze's lines that are bad. The whole damn movie is almost entirely comprised of the most overused clichés. You kind of feel relieved as shit whenever there’s a hint of a normal fucking conversation. It's exhausting to watch. What ass crust.

Another cheesy part of this movie would be the all-time famous batman credit card. Yeah. Valid till forever. Firstly, what bank would give Batman a fucking credit card. I mean come on, no fixed residence, no name, not even a real fucking job. That just really kicked the little bit of reality this movie had in the ass.

The costumes are fucking overkill. Why the overdone muscles? Why the nipples? They must have some kind of complex to put fake muscles on the costumes. I think if there was anything R rated about this movie, it would be those fucking costumes.

And 1 thing that bothers me most about this movie is the rediculous physics. If it doesn't bother you, don't mind me. But fuck, when Mr. Freeze swings on that vine, it looks like he's got a jet shooting out his asshole. And why the fuck is batman kicking Mr. Freeze’s ass? Isn't he wearing metal armour? Why are batman’s punches so effective on this guy? These things just baffle me.

Something that's maybe a little harder to notice, is some of the cheesy sound effects. Like when Bane catches the chains of those 4 gangsters on his arms and launches them. WTF was that sound. It's like this movie can't make up its mind. Is it a dark batman story, or a funny cartoon? Eats me. 

And the ending, how easily do all the villains get defeated. Mr. Freeze just gets knocked down, he's out. Poison Ivy gets kicked into a giant flower, she's out. And all they do to defeat Bane is kick one of the pipes coming out his head and he's fucked. Like instantly, he shrinks down to size. Useless. These have got to be the weakest villains banded together that I have ever seen.

In conclusion, I would only really want to watch this movie if I was dying to erase a more horrifying experience from my childhood. But shit, forget my childhood, this has pretty much ruined my adulthood. I could’ve gone on for a while ranting about this movie, but then I might as well make a shitty movie of my own. What do you think of Batman and Robin?

Telemarketers - Bleh

Telemarketers: what a shit load of fuck. For those of you who don't know what they are, I'll tell you.
Telemarketers are assholes who phone you at random times of the day and attempt to convince you to buy their crap or to take up some gym contract you never gonna use.

Firstly, how do they get your damn number. Second, why the shit do they think you would possibly want what they have to offer unless you go out and look for it. Fuck.

Now for starters, your phone rings, oblivious to the fact that it couldn't possibly be another telemarketer, you answer. And the moment you hear a random voice on the other end ask if you're John Doe or whatever, you fucking know you're gonna be on the line for the next 10 minutes while they make their pitch, and you're thinking of different excuses as to why you don't want their shit.

What really pisses me off about them is their piss poor ability to accept no as an answer. It's like they really think you're saying no for the fun of it. You tell them no, and then just carry on going on like I was interrupting or some shit. After saying no twice, they tell you to think about it and they will call back later. WTF. I've already thought about it, that's why I said NO!

And yes they do call back. They ALWAYS call back. If you don't answer your phone, they just keep calling and calling until you do. The 1 time I had 19 missed calls from them. What butt crud.
What do you guys think? Are telemarketers as ass as I make them out to be? Or is it just me?

Give me some space, let me pay for my shit!

I've come to notice something small that gets me into a fast and extreme rage.
I’m a guy who likes his space, I’m not talking 10 feet of space, I’m not unreasonable, but at least a couple of inches will do!!! Now you go into the supermarket to buy a couple of things after a long day or quickly during your lunch break. You grab the stuff you want and approach the till. The tiller will
start ringing your stuff through and someone waits behind you. But they don’t just wait, they already packing all their shit on the counter! Yeah okay sometimes they don’t have a basket and don’t want to carry loose shit for long, but they don’t just put their shit down, they hover over it like they’re about
to take a piss on it or something. Now they’re pretty much licking the back of your neck. What fuckness. You just can’t help but squeeze your wallet tighter or maybe even clench your damn butt cheeks. You just never fucking know. A part of you just wants to shout out, "Give me some space, let me just pay for my shit!". But I’m just curious, is it just me, or does this happen to everyone?!

Welcome to the blog of Daniel The Critic!

Hey to all my future readers, I am Daniel The Critic. My sole purpose in life is to bitch about the more irritating things that annoy the cow outta me. For all of you future readers out there, thank you. And to all those who find ME annoying, then don’t read! Either way, I will continue to complain about every little thing that tears me up inside and releases my inner rage. Feel free to let me know if there is anything on your mind, and I will be sure to write about it!